Quote

“How most people carry on is a mystery.  What they talk about at supper.  How they can stand to sit in front of a TV from eight until Leno every night.  How they can think bowling is fun.  How they choose their neckties.  How they bear the weight of  life everyday without screaming.  How a person can go through a whole life and never once contemplate suicide, like people who never once wanted to be a movie star.  How one young man can be handsome and strong and marry an heiress and work at Debevoise and Plimpton and retire to Nantucket to await the visits of his grandchildren, how they can be sailing in the bay while another young man, exactly like the first, can end up in a glass room in Lexington, Kentucky, on Haldol and Thorazine, without hope, without a girlfriend, without a future, and how easily the one can become the other.  How one woman can take Gaterade to every one of her son’s lacrosse games and another can lie in bed all day weeping, popping generic drugs, watching Oprah as though waiting for the Second Coming, and piling her dirty dishes in the laundry room.  How life goes in bad directions when your heart is asleep.

It’s a mystery, and there is no answer.” –excerpt from The End of the World as We Know Itby Robert Goolrick

Blame the Disease

I’ve been seeing Michael J. Fox everywhere lately.  He’s come out with a new book called Always Looking Upabout the power of being an optimist.  I had a major crush on him when he was in “Back to the Future” but now I have a tremendous amount of respect for him.   He has suffered from an ailment that doesn’t allow him to control his own body.  It never lets up and there is nothing much he can do about it.  He takes medication that takes the edge off the movements but there is no full relief and no cure as of yet.

Parkinson’s Disease sounds a lot like bipolar.  It affects the body in the same manner that bipolar affects the mind and the personality.  There is a lack of control on the part of a manic-depressive.  We don’t want to be this way.  We wish we could be different, be normal.  Flying off the handle or crying uncontrollably are not choices any more than Fox’s inability to sit still or walk straight. 

But there is a huge difference in the response of others.  No one would dream of being angry at Michael J. Fox.  He is a sufferer.  He would change if he could.  He does everything he can to help himself and to further the search for a cure for all who suffer from Parkinson’s.  Maybe his family gets a little tired of wiping up when he spills his milk but you can’t blame him.  It’s the disease.

But I’ve heard people talk about their relatives who suffer from bipolar.  They are rude, mean and unforgiving.  They say things like “crazy” and “out of her mind”.  They will not show understanding or compassion.  They will avoid their relative at all costs.  I know that it is hard to deal with someone with a personality disorder.  We can be mean and difficult to understand at times.  It is emotionally exhausting to keep up with us or to walk on the eggshells we leave behind.  It is just as exhausting, if not more so, for us, the sufferer, than it is for you, the friend or relative.  We often question the things we do.  We often feel tremendous guilt.  For me, I am trying always to find the line between the disease and myself.  It is a painful searching of the soul that is usually nonconstructive. 

I used to apologize for every little thing I did.  Now I feel so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that I often don’t apologize when I should.  I just feel that saying sorry again for something that I already said sorry for last week, something that will require a sorry again next week, is pointless and only serves to hurt me and make the other person lose faith in me.  If a man apologizes every time he cheats on his wife, the tenth apology seems so worthless.  But I am sorry; I am always sorry.

I started this blog to let people see from my prospective as a sufferer.  My form of bipolar is mild.  Maybe you know someone who suffers more than I.  Treat them with compassion.  Offer them your understanding.  Ask them what you can do to help.  Maybe they need someone to remind them to take their meds.  Maybe they need someone to listen.  Maybe they need someone just to not give up on them.  Remember, it is a disease and we are fighting for control.  A little love goes a long way to fortify us for the fight.

Lost Her Smile

“When Jehan smiled by day, the sun shone brightly.  When she smiled by night, the stars glittered and sparkled.  One dull morning, she woke up and could not find her smile.  She looked under her bed and in the closet.  She looked all over the house and in the garden, but she could not find her smile anywhere.”             -excerpt from The Girl who Lost Her Smile  by Karim Alrawi

This is how I feel lately.

 

Graphic by Penny Mathews.

Back to Normal Again

So the kids are home and the household is back to normal for the most part.  I do feel that I have been refreshed which was the goal.  I am now enjoying my success.

But I am unable to conquer one foe: sleeplessness.  I am still up late (as can be seen by when this post was posted) and sleeping in in the mornings more than I would like.  It was hard getting out of bed on Monday.  I wanted to get back in after an hour.  I’m afraid that this will build up until I am back to being overtired and overwhelmed again.  Ambien just doesn’t work consistently for me.  But I see my pdoc next week.  I will ask him to try me on a different sleeping med.

Day 9

It’s been over a week and I must admit, I don’t like to be without my kids for too long.  Each night when I talk to them on the phone we count down how many more days until we see each other.  My youngest, who has not been away from me for more than a couple days, cries almost every time I talk to him.  Since we talk before bedtime I usually sing him our favorite family lullaby:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy when skies are grey.

You’ll never know dear how much I love you.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

It turns my Grumpy Gus into a Happy Heart again, and it does some good for my heart as well.  It feels good to be needed and to be missed.  I lose sight of how important we are to each other sometimes.  I have been lost without my children.  My one certain calling in life has been to be a mom.  My favorite job has been to be their mom.  Without kids to take care of I feel lacking.  I’ve lost my purpose and direction because they are my purpose and direction.  I love taking care of them.  I love guiding them and holding them and just knowing they are around.  They bring me comfort when I am uncertain.  They offer unconditional love when I feel unlovable.  I miss my kids terribly and they miss me too.  Just four more days before my heart is returned to its proper place again.

Day 3

Yesterday, I quilted, cleaned and shopped.  I was fine.

Today, I miss my kids.

Rest and Refresh

I have returned from vacation missing something very important in the hopes of gaining something else equally as important.  I have left my children to the care of their grandparents for the next two weeks to give myself a bit of a breather.  Stress often builds up unnoticed over long periods of time until I turn around and find that I can’t take the little everyday nuisances of running a household and raising a family.  I am easily overwhelmed each morning as I think about everything that needs to be done.  My response tends to be doing nothing at all or doing it with a complaint and a grumpy face.  Since my family could not actually live without me (and I’m not just telling myself that out of some grandiose bitterness) I sent half of it to be taken care of by others who are more than happy to take over for brief periods of time.  I am so grateful for a loving and encouraging extended family.

But now what?  In all of my 30-something years I have never been alone for more than a couple of hours, ever.  I went from sharing a room with my sister to sharing a room with my husband.  I’ve been raising children since I was 18.  I’ve not been without my children for more than a few days.  I’ve had mixed feelings about it.  I just don’t know how I will react.  Will I wander the house smelling their pillows and crying?  Will I party all day in my jammies eating ice cream for breakfast?  I am in possession of a nervous anticipation.  I am curious to see what will happen next.

So today was my first official day.  How did I do?  Well, I think.  I kept busy.  I was productive.  I worked in the garden.  I swept all the floors.  I made my bed.  I cleared the diningroom table.  I did not waste endless hours on the internet.  I have been happy all day.  It felt great when my son called because he missed me already.  I was hit by a tinge of sadness after talking to him again when I called to tell him goodnight.  I regret that I couldn’t tuck them in and kiss their warm cheeks.  But they are enjoying a sleepover with their cousins so I am happy that they are happy.

So emotionally I have done well.  I missed having someone to talk to so I just talked to myself.  My cat is going to be spoiled by attention by the time the kiddos return.  Hopefully I won’t be spoiled too.

Sleep, Or Lack Thereof

Sleep is one of the most basis of human needs.  The average person requires 7-8 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period.  Without sleep, the brain is unable to regenerate as needed.  We lose our creativity, become slow to react and are susceptible to accidents; it can even lead to hallucinations and possibly death.  Anyone who had ever gone more than 24 hours without sleep can tell you that the physical symptoms are quite uncomfortable.  A person with sleep deprivation is like a person who has consumed too much alcohol.  They lack judgment and control.

So it’s interesting that one of the symptoms of depression is insomnia.  In fact, sleep patterns are a big indicator of Bipolar.  In a person suffering from Bipolar I, while in a manic state they stop sleeping altogether for days at a time.  They don’t feel they need to sleep and find it to be a waste of time.  Perhaps this is what causes the lack of judgment leading to risky behavior and the inevitable psychotic break.  In Bipolar II, the person can survive on 3-4 hours of sleep a night and feel well rested.  Again, this will lead to unusual behavior but on a smaller scale than the full blown Bipolar sufferer.

In the case of Soft Bipolar the symptom presents in quite a different light.  Instead of a lack of the need to sleep, they feel an inability to sleep.  Both an inability to fall asleep and to stay asleep for more than, say, 5 hours a night leave the person feeling exhausted, in a perpetual state of confusion and fogginess.  I have struggled with this form of insomnia since I was very small.  As a 7 year old I would go to bed at 8 but remain awake until 11 or 12 each night.  As an adult who doesn’t work outside the home I am able to sleep in when needed but it usually means I am awake until the wee hours of the morning.  3am have been my average bedtime lately.  But my body still requires 8-9 hours of sleep to function properly if not optimally.  This means I sleep very late in the morning and am still dragging myself around throughout the day.  I don’t truly feel awake until the afternoon and I always catch my second wind around 8pm.  It is after the rest of the household is in bed that I feel active and motivated enough to cook and clean.  Unfortunately 9pm is not a good time to vacuum the house or cook an elaborate meal.

For years I have tried every alternative and homeopathic remedy for insomnia without any lasting results.  So far the Ambien I’ve been taking more recently to help me sleep is hit or miss.  Now that I have a diagnosis of Soft Bipolar I hope that my doctor and I can work together to find an effective solution.  I honestly believe that if I could get an adequate night’s sleep within a reasonable time frame I would have a lot less to struggle with.  Until a solution is found, Sleepy Time tea appears to be my best hope.

Goal Setting

This week has been difficult.  I’ve not slept well which makes it that much harder to keep my emotions from taking over.  There was the stress of therapy which brings up emotions that I’m never sure what to do with once they’re brought to the light of day.  Also, work is drying up.  There is a job but no actual work.  When there is no work there is no pay.  That’s always tough.  I need to learn some effective stress management techniques.  We all do.  So I am devising a plan of action to keep me occupied and out of the depressive state.  The best part is that most of these cost nothing but all of them pay large dividends in the emotional wellness realm when kept up daily.

• eat healthy (this shouldn’t cost any more than eating crappy does)
• exercise
• have a goal to accomplish
• do one thing that makes me happy
• enjoy the sun while the temps are not too hot

Anything else I should add to my list?

Salutations

Welcome to my new blog, Blue Pandemonium.

Blogging as therapy.  That is the intent of this little domain.  A place where I can express my feelings freely without fear of repercussions.  Not much anyway.

Last week I was diagnosed as non-specific bipolar which is a much milder form of the traditionally known version.  It is sometimes referred to as Soft Bipolar.  I have mild highs and deep lows.  When I am in a manic state I am more creative, motivated, energetic, and a lot more fun to be around.  During these times I will do a deep cleaning of the house, cook some really drawn-out recipes, write stories and posts for my other blog, play wildly with my kids, be more amorous with my husband and generally like everyone or anything that crosses my path.  My self confidence is sky high.  I feel as if I could accomplish any task put in front of me.  These are the moments that I like myself and I love the world around me.

The flip side to that coin is the depression.  I don’t just feel sad but I want to cry all the time without any reason.  I cannot stop it.  I sleep later because it takes so much work to get out of bed and shower and eat breakfast.  Often I skip breakfast because I don’t feel like getting up and pouring a bowl of cereal.  When I experience strong emotions I cannot eat.  It is a contributing factor in keeping me underweight, not intentionally but I’m not complaining.  When I’m low I get hyper-sensitive so every little thing hurts my feels or offends my intellect.  I make mountains out of molehills.  And I’m not very nice during these times.  I usually end up hating myself or thinking that everyone else must hate me the way that I do.

I had been looking into bipolar for a few years and saw myself in the literature about it but I never fit the doctors’ criteria for a diagnosis until now.  My latest pdoc(psych doctor)  has been with me long enough now to recognize the cycles that I go through.  He looked so disappointed to tell me that he was officially diagnosing me with manic-depression but I was so happy.  Finally, I have an answer.  While there is no cure I at least have a plan of action that will allow me to deal with this condition daily.  The thought that I could be done with depressive slumps forever is the most encouraging news I have received in years.  I couldn’t be happier.

I will start medication, Lamictal, after Easter.  I don’t want any crazy side effects while I am visiting with family for my spring break.  But as soon as Easter is over I will be ready to give it a try.  It sounds like a miracle drug for a lot of people as long as I can avoid the rash and the headaches.

Is there anyone out there who has suffered from this mental illness?  Or been the support system for a sufferer?  I’d like some resources to find out more about daily management and perhaps message boards for communal support.

If you stopped by please leave me a comment so I know you visited. I’ll be sure to return the favor.